as I suffocate myself
I remember the marks the police thought you left on me
the disbelieving look the Hispanic female officer gave
you, pulled away from me, by the sidewalk
between those two men
and I stop
the next day
the presence of you in my room
the urge for coffee to smooth my throat after a spoonful of i-have-to-eat-i-must-take-care-of-myself granola
there is peace
i need to be able to say
i am hurt
i am mad
or i will end up
full of hate
if there is a possible you out there
which there is
what do you want hir to look like?
is always the question they ask
but if you do not have faith
that things can be different
thinking about anything good can be impossible
and if you try,
it is automatically thinking of what you lack
it automatically creates a hole
sometimes i think
everything about mental health
all the ways we know to go about it
i want to walk towards recovery
in a completely new manner
but maybe even that thought
is trapped within the old frame
maybe to recover
there is no movement involved
it is just
i spoke until i became sad
then i did not speak anymore
eleven years later i started to speak again
at the castle
the meta-aware eye gone
i’m sorry about
“you are the bad guys”
i was not thinking
i was too enchanted by feeling free
too taken with
oh wow this is how i can be
i am still
very much learning
how to speak
i am not sure why i am here
why i got this invitation and schedule of the four days, three weeks ago
it is almost like i am an impostor, an undercover agent –> attempting to understand the practices of.
growing up, we agreed in my house that couples under the poverty line shouldn’t be allowed to have children, stopping aid to third world countries would help them disappear and end the problem, suicide was natural selection.
i never thought of governments, grants, money to help cities. i thought, if the citizens want to improve their area, they have to do it on their own, re their jobs, their money. if a city’s poor it’s because there isn’t talent. if you work and have money, you can create what you like.
i didn’t know community things existed. then you gave me an article to read about singapore on your netbook. oh. people think about these things. plan these things.
and then it all burst open months later and 2020 and museum cafe and
i still don’t quite know where i stand.
i am not sure why i am there
but it is, wanted.
four days in nature with blocked relaxing time.
and people. i haven’t been great with people for the last five years
but i am getting better. there is excitement with the nervousness.
i think of what is coming, how much i like the idea of
but back of head
mother raising eyebrows
father rolling his eyes, swatting away the retreat with a flick of hand
i can be ok
i got an automatic message from tumblr which read
“congratulations! your tumblr turned four today”
i stared at the message
taking in what it meant
how distressing, this most recent torment has been with me so long
what a relief, i am so much better now than i was then