from years ago

as I suffocate myself
I remember the marks the police thought you left on me
the disbelieving look the Hispanic female officer gave
you, pulled away from me, by the sidewalk
in handcuffs
between those two men
and I stop


after a day that feels like the end of the world

the next day

the presence of you in my room
seeing you
the urge for coffee to smooth my throat after a spoonful of i-have-to-eat-i-must-take-care-of-myself granola
there is peace

cosáin – pathways to recovery

if there is a possible you out there
which there is
what do you want hir to look like?

is always the question they ask

but if you do not have faith
that things can be different
thinking about anything good can be impossible
and if you try,

it is automatically thinking of what you lack
it automatically creates a hole

sometimes i think
everything about mental health
all the ways we know to go about it
are wrong

i want to walk towards recovery
in a completely new manner
but maybe even that thought
is trapped within the old frame

maybe to recover
there is no movement involved
it is just
seeing, feeling
anew, again

to bmg

i spoke until i became sad
then i did not speak anymore

eleven years later i started to speak again

at the castle
wariness gone
i spoke

the meta-aware eye gone

i’m sorry about
“you are the bad guys”
you see
i was not thinking
i was too enchanted by feeling free

too taken with
oh wow this is how i can be

i am still
very much learning
how to speak

a four day unmonastery

i am not sure why i am here
why i got this invitation and schedule of the four days, three weeks ago
it is almost like i am an impostor, an undercover agent –> attempting to understand the practices of.
growing up, we agreed in my house that couples under the poverty line shouldn’t be allowed to have children, stopping aid to third world countries would help them disappear and end the problem, suicide was natural selection.
i never thought of governments, grants, money to help cities. i thought, if the citizens want to improve their area, they have to do it on their own, re their jobs, their money. if a city’s poor it’s because there isn’t talent. if you work and have money, you can create what you like.

i didn’t know community things existed. then you gave me an article to read about singapore on your netbook. oh. people think about these things. plan these things.
and then it all burst open months later and 2020 and museum cafe and

i still don’t quite know where i stand.

i am not sure why i am there
but it is, wanted.
four days in nature with blocked relaxing time.
and people. i haven’t been great with people for the last five years
but i am getting better. there is excitement with the nervousness.

i think of what is coming, how much i like the idea of
but back of head
mother raising eyebrows
father rolling his eyes, swatting away the retreat with a flick of hand

i hope
i can be ok
with me