“but i was disappearing, i was melting into the footpath” “yeah, i’ve heard it before”

i have tried many things

writing about regret the next day
photos of my face
descriptions of the pain in the shower on my slapped cheekbones or cut up legs
passages about why i am grateful i didn’t end things
reminders of the fluctuations of feelings
drawings of beautiful moments and how they did happen
journal entries of how i am improving, about how i am strong, about how at moments i feel like i am my pre-sick self, capable of anything

and yet

yesterday, again
i believed the world was a jigsaw puzzle
getting pulled apart, getting thrown back into the box
to stay

yes, yes, it is better
yes, yes, overall i am better
yes, yes i have felt stronger in the last year and a half than i have for ten
yes, yes, i’ve said 2016 is the year i am the proudest of
yes, yes i healed in kitakyushu at the temple
yes, yes i re-healed again a second time here

so why?
is it an old habit slip?

i always thought, yes, the uphill journey is jagged
not straight x=y
once i am strong and sure of myself
the episodes
the terror
would not happen

i healed, month of march madness and then
resigned agreement to not run, end, despair.
and then

i let it happen again.
damn it
i am so tired of this.
i have been so tired of it for so long.
can’t i bore myself to recovery?


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