a four day unmonastery

i am not sure why i am here
why i got this invitation and schedule of the four days, three weeks ago
it is almost like i am an impostor, an undercover agent –> attempting to understand the practices of.
growing up, we agreed in my house that couples under the poverty line shouldn’t be allowed to have children, stopping aid to third world countries would help them disappear and end the problem, suicide was natural selection.
i never thought of governments, grants, money to help cities. i thought, if the citizens want to improve their area, they have to do it on their own, re their jobs, their money. if a city’s poor it’s because there isn’t talent. if you work and have money, you can create what you like.

i didn’t know community things existed. then you gave me an article to read about singapore on your netbook. oh. people think about these things. plan these things.
and then it all burst open months later and 2020 and museum cafe and

i still don’t quite know where i stand.

i am not sure why i am there
but it is, wanted.
four days in nature with blocked relaxing time.
and people. i haven’t been great with people for the last five years
but i am getting better. there is excitement with the nervousness.

i think of what is coming, how much i like the idea of
all
but back of head
mother raising eyebrows
father rolling his eyes, swatting away the retreat with a flick of hand

i hope
someday
i can be ok
with me

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