an exploration into the feeling of beauty

how can i explain the different beauties i feel?
i land home after a controlled run-
my first since sergio left-
my skin is no longer my outer layer
it is a millimeter’s thickness of moisture
globbed and wading all around me

i feel beautiful
but wonder what signals are misrecepted
telling me i am lovely when obviously i am not
sweaty, gross, a ponytail of unbrushed curls
but the feeling is there, incessant

i look deeper, under the beauty
to try to trace the happy feeling
define it again.
i am… proud
i feel… strong
i feel attractive. why?
pause
i feel attractive because i am strong and healthy and just ran for an hour straight.
(also, endorphins)

what does this mean?
that i link happiness to being beautiful?
perhaps it shows, that when i was not happy
i tried to create a similar feeling
by being beautiful
a different stimuli

understatement to say
it’s a dangerous thing
for those feelings to be indiscernible

it wasn’t that i felt beautiful
as much as that i felt pride

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